Scene 4 - the Afterlife Bar and Grill (ALBG)
song carries into the ALBG... spot light up on master of ceremonies.
(whacks the mic) Is this on? (feed-back - crowd groans) Let's have a big round of applause for the band and who brought the livestock ? Please take it to circle 4 - geeesh . Welcome ladies, gentlemen and minor mirages to the Afterlife Bar & Grill, where you haven't lived if you're not here. And for you regulars I'm afraid there are no beernuts. (big groan from crowd). For your listening and dining pleasure, we present a cornucopia, a slew, a bevy, a gaggle, a clutch, a veritable moveable feast of the best that entertainment can be. We have tonight, Beethoven on hurdy-gurdy, Pachabel on cannon, Jimmy Durante on nose flute, Fay Wray on vocals, Thomas Edison conducting, Babe Ruth on base, Marconi on tap, Rockefeller on loot, Marilyn Monroe on valium, Roy Rogers on Trigger. Don't forget to sign up or Karaoke - remember we have the only live Kaeroke Band in or out of existence. (last words reverb..spot out and fuzzy special up on Will)
Will is standing, the voices from scene 2 are continued for a bit as is the rhythm from Catch a Train. We see shadows of people moving restlessly around him - he looks confused. The light comes up on the whole bar which we see is in a feverish activity of the band setting up - bartender getting drinks and waiter serving, chairs being moved - someone mopping up a mess etc...
Where the hell am I? I've got to get out of here. (looks at watch - then shakes it - to Beulah) Excuse me, do you have the time?
Time - ha ha ha. That's a good one.
Yes, time - I'm late. At least I think I am - none of these clocks have the same time.
Oh yeah, you're late all right. Have a drink. (hands it to him
I told you - I don't have time, oh a martini. Maybe just (sips) ooh, mmmhh, perfect- just the way I like it - hold the olives, hold the vermouth (peers up at her in amazement) hold the ...
Bits and bites? (shoving a bowl at him). The beernuts aren't here but...
I really don't have time. Thanks for the drink - what do I owe you?
It's on me. And you're right. You don't have time. You've crossed the L753 matrix, Will, and this is a holding bar.
whoosh, in rollerblades Inspector
(taking out ticket book)
I AM MAD, MAD I AM
DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A LAMB?
DO YOU THINK I DO NOT CARE
THAT YOU ALWAYS HINT AND SHARE?
NO HINTING IS ALLOWED
BY YOURSELF OR IN A CROWD.
I WILL WRITE YOU OUT A TICKET
AND YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN STICK IT.
Cut me some slack me Theodore.
THIS TICKET YOU KNOW, IS YOUR THIRD
ARE YOU DEAF, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?
ONE MORE TICKET AND YOU'RE GONE
FURTHER ON DOWN THE TRACK
UNLIKE THE CAT YOU WON'T BE BACK.
(throws ticket into a humongous litter receptacle obviously full of other similar tickets)
Who was that? What is going on? This place is weirdly familiar but ... oh I've got to go - I have to meet Em.
(makes him a martini) - That was the Inspector. He's afraid I'm going to break the rules.
Rules, isn't this a bar? Is it after-hours, are you shorting the drinks - (takes a slug) - no I don't think so - oh no, I get it - this is one of those bars where everyone's playing Dungeons and whatever, right?
Not exactly...look here Will
Two junkies sidle up to Will.
He just got here- lay off him!
Junkies and sherpas start vying for attention of Will - finally they shove him aside and get into the conflict..
I KNOW YOU'D LIKE TO SEE HIM HAVE A LITTLE SOCIAL TIME AND STICK AROUND
(LIMBO JUNKIES) PARTY DOWN
WE'D LIKE TO SEE HIM HAVE A LITTLE PEACE OF MIND
(SHERPAS) SO MOVE ALONG
YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE HIM HERE TO STAY FOR GOOD
YOU KNOW YOU WOULD
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE
(ALL SHERPAS) LAY OFF - LAY OFF THAT GUY
LAY OFF - LAY OFF THAT GUY
(LIMBO JUNKIES ANSWER) LAY OFF - LAY OFF THAT GUY
LAY OFF - LAY OFF THAT GUY
YOU'RE SO UPTIGHT
LET'S THROW A PARTY - DANCE HIM AROUND
YOU'RE SO UPRIGHT
WHAT'S WRONG WITH LAUGHIN' - N' PAINTIN' THE TOW
(LIMBO JUNKIES) YOU'RE ALWAYS SO UPTIGHT, SO UPTIGHT, SO UPTIGHT
YOU'RE ALWAYS SO UPTIGHT, SO UPTIGHT, SO UPTIGHT
(SHEPAS) YOU - YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.
THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TO MOVE ALONG.
LAY OFF, LAY OFF, LAY OFF, LAY OFF THAT GUY ETC.
(HERE THE LIMBO JUNKIES AND SHERPAS DO A RHYTHMIC KUNG FU DANCE NUBMER with Will as object of fight)
(LIMBOS) YOU'D LIKE TO HELP HIM FIND HIS WAY
BUT ALL US JUNKIES WANT TO SAY WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM - WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE.
(ALL) LAY OFF - LAY OFF THAT GUY
(grabs Will who is a confused wreck) Come on and sit down for a minute. I don't suppose you get what's happening?
(holding head in hands) No - I get that you've given me some powerhouse drink. What kind of vodka is this?
Premium, someone arrived with a case from Poland.
ping...from the inside of the cake lid
Shut up... (pinging gets louder and more insistent, Beulah whacks it with a bar cloth, Will looks alarmed.) Oh all right! (lifts lid, exposes head of John the Baptist, eyes closed).
(leaps up startled) Jesus H. Christ!
Not quite but you're close - I'm John the Baptist and circumstances make it unrealistic to shake your hand. And as for you Beulah, the vodka is not Polish. It's from a small island off of Finland. Best vodka in the world. Of course, that's what I've heard - I only drink water myself. Do you have any of that Tigris Euphrates double sand filtered water, Beulah?
Hologram? Martinis? Nightmare? (this to himself while he looks around the bar - no one else is paying attention- backs off)
(twirls around, laughing like a maniac) I knew all the greats - I am a great - I have my own day in Quebec. Its true I tend to babble on babble on, babble on, - I was in Babylon once, nice gardens - but so many weeds - they should of tried hydroponics, but they'd never listen - you can lead a horse to water but you can't and speaking of horses - the whores, oh the whores, let me tell you...
(cuts him off) Enough J.B.!
I can't help it. The attention goes to my head. I mean well. I'm lonely, Beulah, come stroke my head.
Where do you think this could possibly lead?
I rang the cake tin didn't I!
What about that repent thing?
Oh, repent, schement. I'll repent tomorrow.
(This is a Rappin' spoken poem with mouth percussion. Beulah should play the platter under JB like a record spinner)
Repent You Fools
Oh repent schement, Ill repent tomorrow
I be shedding no tears
Ill be spreading no sorrow
Cause Im the man
Im the man
Im the man without a torso,
You want to hear more so?
Im the man with no body,
Im the man
No shit Sherlock. Im the man.
The man with no body.
Nobodys seen the trouble I seen.
Messing with the Philistine
Jiving with the Miocene
Firing up the kerosene
Make a little girlie with the plastocene
Makin' the scene with a Philippine
Yo Mrs. Marcos, digging your carcass
Shes singing the blues
Since theyve taken her shoes
Lovin you Imelda, tho I never held her
'Tho I never smelled her
Make my heart go pitty pat
Enough of that
This is obscene, gimme a shot o nitroglycerin
Ive seen every scene man
I seen every scene
I been shaking with the Shakers
Quaking with the Quakers
Put it in a baggie with the shake and bakers
Looking for aliens with Episcopalians
Sleutherin with them Lutherans
Playing ring around the rosy with the Rosicrucians
Ive seen every ism
Ive been to every schism
Im the cat in the hat in the catechism
Listen yo Mennonites, Hutterites, Midianites,
Erudites, Benjamites, Vegamites, Malachites
Youre so tough you coulda been a stalactite
Acolytes, anthracites, Pleiscites, Minorites,
And bringing up the rear those darned Sodomites
You got your orthodox, paradox, heterodox,
Pandoras box, chicken pox
Hey Goldilox youre wearing my socks
Cos Im the corpman, hail to the Mormon
The cosmic doorman, Harvey Korman
Bin in the ring with big George Foreman
Ive seen every ism
Ive been to every schism - listen up you fools
Repent you fools - you dont know where youre going
Repent you fools you dont know what Im knowing
Hell aint hot and you need a drink
Hell is getting some time to think
And think, and think, and think
And maybe find out.
You talking to me?
Yeah - repent you fool.
Repent what - you repent you horny head. You're just like my dad - telling everyone else what to do - what about your own sorry state? It was your arrogance that caused you to lose your head in the first place.
A debatable point but I believe in fact I lost my body.
I think you missed the point - figures.
No, I think you are missing the point - a point, I might add Will, that you missed in your soon to be published work on Dante and so did your publisher.
And what point would that be?
Repentance is a choice - for the souls who travel upward along the seven circles it is also a place - a place called purgatory. Those souls must know where they are in order to repent. Your description of Queen Esther completely misses this point.
Of course repentance is a choice and as I made very clear it simply means that a person takes responsibility for his actions and knows where he is.
But...but... but....yeah, I know exactly where I am . Oh, I can't believe I'm arguing with a head.